Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hey, it's time for shitty Wii party game number 1! That's right, it's time for the most generically-named party game you've ever seen, Game Party!
wiiviewr liked this? What the fuck was he thinking?
This is not a review so much as a recount of my experience playing the game. Let's face it. Any gamer worth their salt knows that this is a horrible title. So let's not waste any time as I go over my last conscious memories from when I played this with the following people:
WellUnreal007 (owns the game, played at his house)
-Note the obscene amount of characters that can be chosen from. None of them add anything to the game aside from a different face in the crowd, however.
-Consider having a moment of silence for Midway, then decide against it.
-Realize that Wizwar is recording all of this on his camcorder set up at the back of the room. Any attempt to win any of these games is almost entirely replaced with an urge to break them in as many ways as possible.
-Note that the Wiimote needs to be held parallel to the ground and pointed forward the whole time. This is so awkward I can't even begin to describe it properly.
-Movement is waaaaaay too sensitive, making lining up and blocking shots needlessly difficult.
-Puck moves very slow, possibly to try and offset the overly-sensitive controls.
-The A button traps the puck. Trapping the puck is a foul every time. Why is this option even available?
This is how air hockey works, right?
-Spent a good minute or so mashing the A button to drum rhythms on the table between shots. This is how I'm forced to entertain myself.
-The puck went off the table. Don't ask me how because the puck just disappeared in one frame and that message popped up.
-It happened again! How the fuck am I doing this?!
-Finished a game to 7 (losing 7-5). All but two goals were scored by knocking the puck into our own nets.
HOOP SHOT (aka basketball)
-Game is 4-player, but doesn't allow having 4 Wiimotes synced at the same time. What the fuck, game?
-Having watched someone play before me, I can see that you just need to flick the Wiimote forward while holding A, and release to shoot the ball. Despite this I still can't score a single basket with only 30 seconds remaining in the one-minute game.
-Panic and resort to flinging as many basketballs at the hoop as I possibly can. I didn't see if any went in because I was facing backwards, swinging myself into circles, or running laps around the room while shooting enough projectiles to make a Japanese bullet hell game blush.
-End up with a score of 0, despite shooting at least 100 shots.
-See from other players that swishing a shot counts as a 3-pointer instead of 2. None of them seem to get how to consistently do it either, as both shooting normally and pelvic thrusting the Wiimote have gotten shots to go in.
-Several balls fly into the way-too-excited-and-yet-randomly-apathetic crowd around the game, phasing right through them.
-Several people get high scores, only to discover that the high scores are populated with user names like "fuckthis" and "mangina." Apparently no one in Unreal's family liked this game even when they did well at it.
-Sat out for most of this game, as it had the same damn problem with not being able to sync 4 Wiimotes at the same time. Instead, two Wiimotes are synced and people need to trade them. This is so stupid I don't know where to begin.
-So you lock onto a spot on the board by pointing and hitting A, then hold A, push the Wiimote forward in a dart-throwing motion, and release A to throw the dart. Congratulations, you've made playing darts way more complex than it should be.
-Note that throwing strength is taken into account as no one actually hits the spot they lock on to. Most don't even hit the board on the first try.
-Just watched two well-thrown darts bounce off the center of the board. I guess it means they hit the metal rims around each section, but having played real-life darts several times before I've never once seen this happen.
-I get a few tosses and discover that throwing too hard causes the dart to fly to the top of the screen and disappear through the top wall, never to be seen or heard from again. Someone call NASA and see if they can find my darts.
100% accurate photo of my dart throw.
-Even the people who did horrible at this game got high scores somehow. Game Party: because your expectations weren't low enough already.
SKILL BALL (aka ski ball, aka THE QUEST!)
-Think Wii bowling, only with a throwing motion so picky half your rolls end up as little wuss shots that barely make it to the edge of the ramp before rolling back down to you.
-See that any ball which rolls back down the ramp, including balls thrown too hard that bounce off the back of the cage and/or holes, don't count and can be done over.
-My turn. I can't get any weird throwing motions to work so I try to get at least one ball in the elusive 100-point holes in either corner. Apparently Unreal's never done it or seen anyone do it.
-The frame-rate dips into single digits every time the ball gets near the score holes. I'll repeat that. The frame-rate dips into single-digits. When the ball goes near the holes. The ball is the only moving object on the screen. And the frame-rate drops. HOW?!
-With three balls to go, I get one in the 100-point slot. For some reason I celebrated like I'd just won the final match of Wimbledon.
-ShadowSnake somehow throws a ball which bounces off the side of a different lane, ricochets back into his lane, and goes in the 50-point hole. And I thought MY shot was lucky!
ShadowSnake123's got such a supple wrist...
-As usual, bastardized user names are the high scores. This is dragging on so long I'm considering busting out Snoopy's Silly Sports Spectacular. That's how bad it's gotten!
-This one seems to work, sort of. I still can't get anything to stop and count for points without divine intervention, though. That and my shots seem to go to the left and the right at random. I say that because when I actually tried hooking a shot to the left and it went right.
-Not much else to say. Maybe I'm just waiting for this to end at this point?
-Divided into several sections like General, History, Sports, Music, etc.
-Wait, you can use 4 Wiimotes now?! Why didn't this work for the other games?!
-Okay, fuck this. In the Kids section there's a question about the head coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball team. HOW DO YOU FUCK UP TRIVIA?!
Even the coach is confused!
PING CUP (aka beer pong)
-Unreal is the only one who can play this game, and even then he had issues with it. It took about 15-20 minutes to finish one round in which he got a ball to bounce into a cup five times.
-Sometimes if you miss the ball flies right through the people in the background, and sometimes it doesn't.
-Nobody else got a single ball in. I'm not sure anybody cared enough to get at least one. It's like no one wanted the controller for the next turn.
That's it. I'm done. Now to go back to editing videos and playing another shitty Wii game which I will not name. And no, it isn't Fragile Dreams. I said it's a SHITTY Wii game!