Tuesday, November 20, 2012

SC On Kamen Rider Dragon Knight (Wii)

I could grate so many blocks of cheese with his face.

I'm not a Kamen Rider fan.  It's not that I don't like it, I just don't give a shit about it.  My only exposure to it is listening to Zeromaster and Wizwar ramble on endlessly about it in Skype chats regardless of what the original topic of conversation was.

That and Masked Rider.

I watched a whole three episodes, usually while waiting for Spider-Man to start.

 This is basically a fighting game with a bunch of riders from the Kamen Rider series, with Dragon Knight being the title character.  Forgive me if I find it hard to get into the characters of a series I don't follow, but the way they're presented leaves a lot to be desired in terms of drawing in someone who's new to Kamen Rider, especially if you play Arcade Mode first.  Some of the victory quotes by certain characters reference their backstories or happenings from the series, all of which went over my head.  Looking back at it now, I'm still not sure who from the 15 selectable characters are good guys except for Wrath.  Guess what Wrath is?  Hint: his name is Wrath.

There is a place where the backstory becomes clearer, but I'll save that for later.  And besides, as I was playing this game on a live stream Zeromaster seemed to end a lot of characters' backstories with "he dies after a couple episodes."

Omoshiroku narimashita ne?

The controls are about as simple as you'll get in a fighter short of Evil Zone.  There's a button for light attacks and a button for strong attacks.  That's it.  Mash either of them while holding a direction to do a 2-4 hit combo that knocks down your opponent until you win.

Okay, it is a little more complex than that.

Some of the combos for certain characters are faster or slower, and some incorporate uppercuts to knock a Rider in the air and juggle them or leg sweeps to keep them on the ground more than they already would be.  There's also a button specifically for cancelling combos and- yeah, you can tell where this is going.

Combo cancels, however, take down the Advent Gauge.  I don't remember if that's what it's called, but it's linked to attacks called advents or vents so we'll roll with that.  It's a gauge that fills at the bottom of the screen and can trigger things like combo cancels, advent attacks (where the animal/robot/thing representing each Rider attacks the opponent), advent guards (see advent attack, except it just pushes back the opponent), and the obligatory flashy finishing moves called Final Vents, all of which deal about the same 1/4 life bar damage, are done by having the Final Vent card selected, initiating the vent by shaking the Wiimote (not as annoying or counter-intuitive as it sounds) and hoping you're not only within grabbing distance, but won't be interrupted or dodged.


Oh right, cards.  Each Rider has a certain number of cards which trigger certain effects or moves when the Advent Gauge is filled.  There's the Final Vent card, but also cards that do things like reduce damage, summon weapons, lock a card of the opponent from being used, or turn back time to regenerate your Rider's (and only your Rider's) health.  You'll usually only get a chance to fill the gauge all the way once during a fight though, so in Arcade Mode the variety of cards isn't usually as effective as just leaving the Final Vent up all the time.

The catch about these cards is that you only start off with the Final Vent card for each Rider.  You unlock the rest by playing through Mirror Mode, which is a lot like playing Weapon Master Mode in Soul Calibur 2.  You progress through a series of one-on-one fights against certain Riders (they are determined by who you select and what the fight condition is) while completing conditions like doing an Advent Guard, defeating them with Final or Advent Attacks, or winning in spite of the opponent having doubled attack power, double the health, or constantly being in Advent Guard mode.  This last one will make you want to punt babies if you're playing on Hard.


Mirror Mode also has beat-em-up sequences, in which the guys you fight are dumber and more apathetic than the average Dynasty Warriors enemy.  There are also "?" spaces which either generate another fight, give you life, Rider Points used to unlock cards, or sends you back to the start of the map.  The entire thing is timed by the way, but there's usually more than enough to get through the whole mode well within the limit.

The pain in the ass here comes with how cards are unlocked.  You have to fight and defeat that specific Rider when they have that card on them.  This isn't as big a problem for the regular characters, but some characters like Survive Mode Wingknight only seem to show up against one specific character in one specific match type.  I only found that out after unlocking everyone else's shit and going through each Rider in Mirror Mode one at a time.

I didn't mention it earlier, but when you select a Rider for this mode it gives a brief synopsis of their background and what motivates them to fight.  It also does this after completing Mirror Mode by defeating Xaviax (also the Arcade Mode boss).  All but a few Riders' stories can be summed up with 'Xaviax promises something to <insert Rider here> but lies.  <insert Rider here> finds out and turns on him.'  Bam, back story.  Some of the translations and word choices are unintentionally funny, though.  Maybe it's just me, but the phrase "Chris defeated Xavias despite his asthma" is a hilarious way to end someone's Mirror Mode run.

Take that, Asthma!  Your name is Asthma now, by the way.

In the end, there are only a couple people I can recommend this game to: Kamen Rider fans and people who like fighters that don't have a lot of complexity to them.  Other than that this game is a quick rental, or if you go through and unlock all the cards a relatively quick rental.  Good luck finding it too, as a quick search on their website showed that there are no GameStops within 120 miles of my home (which essentially means the state of Ohio) that have this game new, and mu-tsu dake hurui no wa arimasu yo.  Chotto omoshiroi da kedo, chikai uchi ni tsumaranaku narimasu nee.

Komatta naa!  Eego wa tsukai-dekimasen! 

Chigaimasu!  Chigaimasu!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Five Dollar Gaming: Cold Fear (PS2)

How many Tom Hansens does it take to headshot a dead Russian zombie?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

SC On Saint (Wii)

Dragonball has nothing on this shit!

 It's the first sentence of this blog and I've already resorted to crappy sarcastic Dragonball remarks.  That is what this game has reduced me to.

Okay, let's get a grip for a moment.

Saint is a game developed by a Japanese company that's been around since 1993, and published by an American company that's been around since 1999.  That sounds encouraging since they've been around so long, right?  Well the former is Starfish, a company known mostly for fishing games and children's storybook games, and the latter is UFO Interactive, which has published such illustrious titles as several Chuck E. Cheese games and the Smart Boys'/Smart Girl's/Smart Kid's series.  So of course these two should team up and help bring the world a side-scrolling shooter right?

Wait, what?

Co-produced by random newgrounds.com users!

Well, this will be a short blog entry.
I might as well say that I'm not that pissed off about this game existing.  It's a budget title, namely a budget title that not even GameStop could justify charging $10 or more for and one that I held off on writing about for several months.  As such I have forgotten most of what I saw when I played it.

Most, but not all.

Saint is about the mythos of the monkey king (which I've never read about, or cared to) and as such I can't properly judge the story.  You play as Goku flying somewhere on the back of some transforming girl-bird-thing to... defeat evil I guess?  It's told exclusively in oddly-drawn illustrations between every level with flavor text of who says what.  Bam.  Story section done.

Controls, meh.  They work.  That's the highest compliment I can possibly give.  No motion controls or anything, just the usual sideways control scheme.  They're functional.  Controls section done.

Graphics?  It looks like a flash game from 2006.  Paying for this is like paying for air.  Damn, if I hadn't been so long-winded at the start this might be half as long.

Sound?  It sounds like a generic SNES/PSX-era shooter.  Except it's a Wii game.  From 2009.  And the death sound is a cartoonish BOING sound effect. 

Gameplay?  Oh... this will take a bit.

Let's get physical!  Physical!

 Like I said, this is a shooter.  A fairly basic one at that.  However, it's the kind of shooter that, seemingly at random, flirts with being bullet hell-esque.  You have a health bar, but on difficulties higher than Easy it hardly seems to matter.

You can pick up various power-ups to upgrade your weapon, whatever the hell it is, and hit checkpoints at which you can select special weapons to fire along with your main... gun?  Staff?  Whatever.  I just kept choosing the one that caused long strings of "bullets" to shoot across the screen because, well, it worked.  There's also one power-up that causes a huge spinning... thing to fly across the screen.  It's supposed to be one of if not the strongest, but there's a huge delay on it that doesn't make it seem worth picking up.

In addition to the usual sidescrolling sequences there are also certain stages, usually right before a boss, where the perspective changes and you're behind Goku, flying to wherever the boss fight is.

Some of you already know what I'm going to say, but screw it.

Why is it that after all these years developers still think that having this perspective when you're trying to shoot enemies without getting shot yourself is a good idea?  Actually, it's worse here as your shots always fire toward the center of the screen, just at slight angles.  This makes it a pain in the ass to hit jsut about anything that comes flying at Goku in Mode 7-like glory as they all fire at the same time (usually).  Add in bullets that come seemingly out of nowhere and explode and these sequences can eat up lives.  Fast.

The worst part of it though is that dying clears out all your power-ups.  Yup, this game shares one of the worst aspects of Silver Surfer for the NES.

Then again, sometimes the AI, even on Easy, does something like this:

It's like fighting Professor Xavier without his mutant powers.

I think we're done here.  Even at $5 this game seemed like kind of a waste.  But hey, at least I'm not one of the people who paid full-price for this.

That's what I keep telling myself to make it not seem so bad. 

Monday, August 20, 2012

SC On: Heavy Fire: Afghanistan (Wii)


About 12 hours: the length of time this game was in my possession, from when it came in the mail via GameFly to when I drove to the nearest post office and dumped it in a mail box.

1 hour 45 minutes: the approximate length of time it took me to beat this game, if you include waiting for story dialogue, navigating menus, and in-game cutscenes.

If there was ever any doubt that Call of Duty and similar games are watering down military shooters, and shooters in general, look no further than Heavy Fire: Afghanistan.  I don't really know where to begin or end with this game as it left very little of an impression in the time I had it.  It's one of those games that just sort of happens and you forget about it after a while.  Hell, I only returned the game a few days ago and I have to go back to the stream recording I made of it just to remember certain basic things.

Like, for example, there's a story to the game.  Hell if I could tell you the details of it because it's one of those generic "Ra-ra-U-S-A-get-them-terrorists-I'm-a-good-soldier-fighting-for-my-country" deals (I think,as most of the "story" is just briefings for missions) and it seems to shift from one soldier to another.  I say "seems" because I got lost as to who I was playing as somewhere between the armored jeep, the helicopter, and the ground unit.


Getting to the actual game, it's a rail shooter.  Yup, a rail shooter.  You go on a set path through a shooting gallery of terrorists of many kinds, including the stereotypical Middle Eastern guy, the dude wearing a balaclava who doesn't look like he fits in the environment at all, and... actually, that's about it.  I'm sure there's at least one more, but most of the enemies are so far away from the player that the only way I saw them was by waiting until they shot at me so I could pick out their gun flashes.  This was a constant problem, regardless of terrain or time of day, which is amazing since most of the time you're standing perfectly still.  In theory it should be easy to see them when they move, but not so.

Then again, sometimes enemies (and by "enemies" I mean the balaclava guy) will try to walk up to you and knife you with one of the most awkward and slow attack animations I've seen beyond the early Playstation days.  Said enemy even disappears from the screen entirely for a split second after getting shot.  Surely great care was put into the creation of this title.

Not only that, but framerate drops and enemies and environments popping in are commonplace for this game.  Remember how I keep saying I don't care about a game's graphics so long as it doesn't affect the gameplay?  This game is a prime example of that distinction.

 No, dammit!  I said GRAPHICS, not CONTROLS!

A cheap-looking Metal Gear Solid-esque red exclamation point appears over enemies that are about to shoot and hit you, and I never did figure out how long I had to kill them before taking a hit and causing... someone... to yell... something... as I lost a point of health and a .png file of a bullet hole in glass appeared on screen.  Sometimes it was almost a full second.  Sometimes I almost instantly took damage.  Sketchy hit detection doesn't help here, either, nor does the helicopter stage where your pathing makes it nearly impossible to hit some enemies you need to kill to advance, causing the helicopter to drunkenly sway back and forth over the terrain and thus making it even harder to kill them.

It hardly mattered though, as there were health and ammo pickups everywhere.  I only died two or three times due to my deliberately wasting ammo and avoiding pick-ups and/or not knowing where an enemy was until it shot me.  The first wasn't even much of a problem, as when the default machine gun runs out of rounds, you switch to a pistol with infinite bullets.  Sure you can't mindlessly spray bullets anymore, but it doesn't make the game that much more difficult.

Oh, aside from the rocket launcher in the last level, some grenades, and the rare machine gun turret, these are the only weapons in the game.

The DLC melee weapon!

And to top it off, I played through most of the game with the Wii Zapper controls.  The catch to this is that I don't own a Wii Zapper.  I was using the remote and nunchuk with the control scheme for a different peripheral because its control scheme suited the remote and nuchuk better than the remote and nunchuk controls.  Why would you have grenades assigned to the awkward-to-hit 1 button instead of, say, A, Z, C, or the + or - button?  Why are there two buttons assigned to reloading?  Why is every quick-time event (yes, they're here too) done by lowering the Wiimote when it involves everything from vaulting cover to sliding under things to fighting off a terrorist to jumping?  It's as if they decided to design the game around the peripheral most Wii owners don't have and doesn't come with the game (like certain hunting titles) instead of the basic controller that nearly everyone has. 

As for the game's interface, it consists of a couple graphics in the lower left showing your weapon, score, health, and ammo, all of which look like they were photoshopped in at the last second.  The score obviously goes up for shooting terrorists, but also for shooting random shit in the background.  Not only that, shooting these random objects, most of which don't distinguish themselves in any way from the rest of the level, sometimes yield certain on-disc "achievements" of sorts.  These are kind of like the dog tags from Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes in that they have no function and don't unlock anything, but without the novelty, challenge, or fun of collecting them.

There are also bonuses for doing things like not getting shot in certain areas and getting long-range kills.  Wait, why does the game reward long-range kills when the enemies never move aside from sometimes going behind cover and you have to kill them anyway to advance?

For each stop on the path of this Middle East shooting gallery there's a Time Crisis-like cover system at work.  The player can continually go into cover to reload (manually), though there are often enemies in areas that can still hit you while in cover.  Having multiple cover areas to hide behind only made the problem worse as the enemies on the opposite side of the screen took their turn to peg me with rifle fire.  This feels like something that was created with good intentions, but which backfired in execution.

Speaking of execution, hit detection at times is either way off or non-existent.  I've had both shots five feet to the side of a terrorist score a kill and a tank that did no damage after scoring a direct hit on a truck.

My thoughts exactly.

I should mention that this game actually has a few decent things going for it.  There's an option for co-op or head-to-head multiplayer (local only) and an online leaderboard for high scores.  There's an upgrade system between levels which allows you to choose between things like hold more grenades, get boosts to total health, and speed up reload time-

Actually, by "speed up reload time" I mean "drop frames of animation."

And there are a lot of levels.  I thought at points that the levels were really long but in truth none of them lasted more than ten minutes, except one where I spent three minutes trying to hit a guy in the previously-mentioned helicopter stage.  As a result the game can be finished in less than two hours, but there are two catches.  One, the game essentially tells you to replay all the levels again in a new-game-plus type mode where there are fewer ammo and health pickups.  Uh, no thanks.

Second, this is what the ending looks like:

That's a wrap!  We're done here!

And that's the story of how I learned to stop playing and love games not named Heavy Fire: Afghanistan.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Bloody Roar Retrospective: Bloody Roar 3

Not even the power going out for a week could prevent me from uploading this only a little under an hour after my deadline!

Friday, February 24, 2012

FAQ: Just When I Have the Answers, They Change the Questions

I was originally going to make a video for this, but after realizing everything I kept forgetting to say after a couple takes and needing to sleep for my midnight shift at my second job, I decided to just make a blog about it.  Basically, I'm going to address a few things that I've either been asked recently, or have been asked repeatedly.

That kind of feeling.

#1. "Why aren't you on TGWTG?"

It doesn't happen that often, but every time I see someone ask this I get the urge to wave my hands frantically in front of me and babble incoherently about why I should never be there like a cartoon character.  The answer to this is pretty simple, though, and it goes something like this:

-I haven't made any attempt to apply as a contributor, nor plan to because
-They aren't accepting anyone for talent pick-up, nor have they for quite some time, and
-Part of being a contributor to the site is the ability to submit content on a regular basis, e.g. one article/video/podcast/whatever every two weeks.  Considering I first hinted at the next part of the Bloody Roar 3 Retrospective more than five months ago and have since failed to meet a personal deadline for it, I wouldn't last very long there.  Oh, and
-I'm not that good.  Then again, neither is Bennett the Sage.

You heard me.

#2. "You made fun of my fanfiction in that one video.  Please take it down."

This is a specific request that was posted after I put up all the video segments from the Bloody Roar Marathon.  The author of Blue Moon (Is that what it was called?  I can't remember.) said it was made for a friend and that they'd appreciate if I took it down.

Not to get into semantics, but I wasn't the one who made fun of it.  Blondeguygamer was.  I just quietly raged about the content of it and how wrong most of it was.

There are many reasons that I haven't taken down that video or edited the fanfiction portion out of it, which include the following.  For one, that would be a bit unfair to Blondeguygamer, who took the time to script out, film, and edit the video he contributed.  Second, I was and still am utterly baffled by the fancition itself: the misportrayed characters, the botched backstories, etc.  

Third, I have no sympathy for people who get upset when something they posted on the Internet, publicly, where anyone who might love it or hate it can see it, gets made fun of.  The author said this was written for a friend, in which case there were so many other ways this could have been handled.  Print it out and give it to them.  Put it on a disc or flash drive and give it to them.  Post it somewhere that has privacy settings or will otherwise only make it viewable to specific people.  E-mail it to them, either as an attachment or just in the body of the message.  There are tons of other options!

And to compound that point, instead of sending me a private message about it, the author requested this and said they wrote that fanfic in my public channel comments, which anyone and everyone has access to.  

Is she eating the laptop or vice versa?

However, the biggest sticking point here is that I've done the same damn thing.  I have my own terrible fanfiction on the Internet where anyone can/has see(n) it.  I knew the risks then and I still do now, which is why some of them have been up for over four years, and some that have been up for almost ten years.  I leave them up and don't get upset about the criticism they get because I can look back and acknowledge their shortcomings, and use that to mature as a writer.  It's the same reason I leave almost all of my crappy videos up on my YouTube channel (Shenmue, THPS3, the list goes on).

There are also certain things that prevent me, a citizen of the Internet for over a decade and YouTube for over 6 years, from showing sympathy.  Such things include having a username with "emo" and/or a number higher than 100 in it, listing "ghetto high" under School, listing Paramore AND Panic at the Disco under Music, and a complete and utter disregard for the English language.  

In summation, no.

#3. "Where is <insert video here>?"

I hear this a lot, particularly for 5 Dollar Gaming.  I'm going to try and explain this as thoroughly as possible so that, hopefully, I'll stop getting this as often.

The original plan, which is still the current plan, was to release videos in the following pattern:

Bloody Roar Retrospective --> 5 Dollar Gaming --> BRR --> SC On... --> BRR --> 5DG --> and so on.

Looking back at the release order of these particular videos shows this pattern.  That being said, I've been stuck on the "BRR" part, specifically Bloody Roar 3, for quite some time now.  Since starting the retrospective and 5 Dollar Gaming a lot has changed for me.  I've moved to a new place (still haven't finished unpacking yet) and don't have the PS2 set up yet.  I've been having issues with my capture equipment and may need to replace it entirely, which is why I haven't streamed or recorded any console games for awhile.  I've taken on a second job which includes a midnight to 8am shift, which I'm typing this part of the blog from right now.  I'm still in college and have switched majors to Japanese which, while I enjoy it a lot more than Journalism, moves at breakneck speed from lesson to lesson and requires (for me at least) a lot more time to devote to studying.

Also, there's that convention I staff which is coming up in March--A&G OHIO A&G OHIO A&G OHIO--for which I again will be stepping in the wrestling ring.  I won't say as who, but I will post this picture to completely give it away and make the beginning of this sentence utterly pointless.

IN AMERI-whatever.

#4. "<Generic 'Get More Subscribers' Message>"

<Generic 'Fuck Off' Message>

#5. "Can You Do X-Men Legends 2?"

Sorry, but no.  I liked the game, I played through the game, but that was a long time ago and I've since forgotten everything about it.  Maybe some time in the future, but right now I have no desire to go through another 99-part odyssey.

#6. Actual comment on one of the X-Men Legends videos: "wat game is this"

... I quit.

Friday, February 3, 2012

SC On Stonekeep: Bones of the Ancestors (Wiiware)

More like Defiling the Ancestors.

Even considering that this is a Wiiware game, it should not be inferior in almost every way to its predecessor.  I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that a game released in 2012 be better in some way to the game it's based off which was released about 17 years ago.

17 years!  And not only did you not improve anything, you made it WORSE!  Everything--controls, gameplay, graphics (debatable), story, design, the list goes on--is a step down.  No wonder this shit only costs 500 Wii Points; it's a goddamn trap!

 I am fully aware of how this sounds so far.

I'm not just pissed, I'm fanboy pissed.  

I played the original Stonekeep when I was a kid, a game that came in a big tombstone-shaped box and had what were, at the time, pretty solid FMVs (albeit with really obvious green screens), but the dungeon-crawling, atmosphere, and allies fought with along the way progressed the story and game well enough to become a game that's memorable to a decent amount of people nearly two decades after its release.

I would know.  I saw one of their rage-filled, 1-out-of-10 reviews as I was looking up images for this blog post.

Then this game came along from the same publisher (Interplay) as well as Alpine Studios, who proudly boast on their website that they're working on new PS2 and GameCube titles and list their newest release as a Windows 98-compatible Bible trivia game, and licensed by Bear Naked Productions Games, the same people who brought you Dance Sensation for the Wii.

This is it.  The lowest of low standards.  Trying to visit the sites for Alpine or BNP brings up webpages I swear I made on Geocities in the late-90s.

 I really liked wolves.  And using every color possible.

But wait, we haven't gotten to the game yet!  For those who need a refresher, this is the intro to the original Stonekeep:

Oh, that robed figure that saved the protagonist?
Never explained who that is.

Compare that to the WiiWare game's ungodly epic... uh... wall of text.  This is word-for-word what it said:

You have entered Stonekeep, the home of your ancestors.  You are now in the dungeons.

An evil force has entered the keep and driven out most of the former residents.
Only a true descendent of the clans can solve the mystery of Stonekeep and give the restless souls of the dead peace at last.

To survive your journey you must pick an ally to guide your path.
Choose a door to pick your ally and begin your quest.

Everybody got that?  Now here's what's wrong with this. 

#1. What dungeon?  The only thing close to a dungeon in Stonekeep from the first game was the sewer.  Unless you're talking about the various places BELOW Stonekeep, which, you know, aren't Stonekeep. 

#2.  How did we get to the dungeon?  Did we just waltz through the other parts of Stonekeep before this point?

#3. What evil force?  Is it the Shadow King from the first game Khull Khuum? (Spoiler: ha, no)

#4. "Driven out most of the former residents?"  That sounds about as threatening as a cranky 70-year old landlord.  This evil force can't get rid of and/or kill everyone/anyone?

#5. What clans? 

#6.  Souls of the dead?  I thought the resident were "driven out."  This becomes even more unclear later on.

#7. Pick an ally?  Why just one?  In the original Stonekeep up to three other people could tag along.  This becomes even more appalling later on.

#8. This plot is go generic and nondescript that I can summarize it in two sentences without leaving out any major details: Evil is attacking your home.  Find a random person to help you do something about it.

So now it's time to actually play the game and, instead of taking the role of a particular character like Drake in the original, Bones of the Ancestors offers two generic-looking character models with their only significant differences being name and gender.  One is named Marcus, the other is named Sheena.  Which one do you think I picked?

What were you expecting, a Gears of War reference?

Now the journey begins with standing in a room with three doors, each leading to a different ally.  Before I could even do this, though, I was instantly baffled by the design of the game itself.  For one, the interface is horrible.  The bottom quarter of the screen is blocked by a massive gray slab with a huge compass wedged in the middle, which is useless thanks to the map function.  On either side are a red and blue canteen-like thing which are supposed to display health and mana.  Had I not accidentally looked down by tilting the Wiimote and nunchuk forward (...) I wouldn't have known my character had a sword in her hand.

Even worse were the controls.  It's strange to say this about a game released so many years after the Wii launched, but this is easily the worst-controlling Wii game I've ever played (yes, worse than Escape from Bug Island), largely because it's awful on both possible fronts.  Not only is the responsiveness of the controls sluggish or at times nonexistent, but the control scheme itself is like something thought up by a seven-year old.  Or a bunch of forty-year old men who are trying way too hard to seem edgy.

Want examples?  Oh don't worry, there are plenty of bullets left in this magazine.

 Hold on, this is way too good for this game.

That's better.

The simple act of moving is a chore, with every turn feeling less like a person walking down a hallway and more like driving an 18-wheeler through a slalom course.  Oh, quick turns aren't like that, though.  Quick turns are in fact so quick that there is no animation for them; your character goes from facing one direction to another in a single frame.

But let's say you want to attack something.  Good for you!  You might try doing the obvious thing and swing the Wiimote to absolutely no effect, as well as hitting every button to no avail (except for discovering jumping and the map).  What you have to do is hold A, swing the Wiimote up, then release A while bringing it down, or doing the same thing from side to side.  This causes an attack that's delayed by almost half-a-second and, sometimes, will glitch on the upswing and not complete its animation, resulting in no attack at all and likely getting you hit by whatever is attacking you.

Spells are even worse.  Each spell involves some combination of holding a D-pad button, aiming it up, down, or at the screen, and performing some kind of motion.  Some require aiming at the screen and doing a "rainbow" motion.  Others require aiming at the floor and making a clockwise circle.  Throwing objects require holding B and either slinging the Wiimote, making a lasso, or doing some other movements which register about 60% of the time.

And I'm rambling now so here's a picture to break up the monotony.

Guess why I chose this one?

But what about choosing an ally you say?  Well, you open one of three doors, walk up to them, and teleport to somewhere else entirely, which still looks like the same old generic dark dungeon.  The thing is, you're actually choosing an ally the moment you open a door, so if you can't see the small, crudely-drawn picture on the door showing which ally it is, you're stuck with whichever door you accidentally open first.

Then the game becomes outright insulting to my intelligence:

I know where the A button is, thanks.

After that the ally says you have to strike him/her five times before he/she can strike you once.  After getting hit about eight times I hit five non-consecutive slashes and completed the objective.  Wow, we've got a winner here folks!

I got what is supposed to be a Sharga as an ally.  I say "supposed to be" because it looks like someone took the Shargas from the original game, dressed them up like medieval Christmas elves, and made sure they were constantly stoned out of their minds.

Feels good man.

After apparently teleporting to a new dungeon (a new dungeon that looks remarkably like the last dungeon) my ally was missing.  That's because allies in this game, instead of following you, simply appear in certain areas and never leave them. Usually you'll have an ally, they'll follow you around a room and halfway down a hall, then disappear for awhile.  After entering another room they'll either walk out from around a corner up ahead or simply appear in front of you.  Make no mistake, these allies can die, but the enemies are typically so incompetent or so weak that the ally will mostly be killed by your accidentally hitting him/her/it.

Speaking of, the enemies in SK:BotA (I am not typing out all of that again) are shockingly stupid.  Most of them are skeletons that either have swords, swords and shields, or rocks/spears to throw.  The ones with melee weapons slowly walk up to you and attack at the rate of roughly one sword or axe swing every three seconds, leaving lots of time to attack even with the botchy control scheme.  If one enemy of a group is attacking you, the other one will either attempt to use magic, throw things or, if it's another melee monster, wander around wondering what it's supposed to do.  Hell, even the allies will do the latter at times.

This bad AI can lead to the enemies killing each other without your having to attack, especially in the case of magic users.  If they have a projectile magic attack, just stand so another enemy is in the way and not only will they happily block the spell with their bodies, but the casters will happily cast the spell over and over until their friend dies.

Just trying to stay thematically appropriate.

But not to worry, because if you do take damage there are healing potions and mana potions aplenty all over the map.  You can only carry about ten of each, and the game helpfully reminds you of this every damn time you step over one of them when your inventory is full.  It does the same thing for when you pass by a door you don't have a key for yet, so the game will almost constantly be treating you like this is not only the first game you have ever played, but that it's the first game you have ever played every second you spend playing it.

Oh, and by "inventory" I don't mean "collection of items you can use," I mean "items you have which the game uses and you have no control over."  Health and mana potions are used automatically when the bar/lantern/jug/thing runs out, and keys are used automatically when near the right door.  The player doesn't even have control over things like equipment, as the hammer and sword are used according to different Wiimote motions and magically change in the player's hand when switching. 

As if my intelligence hasn't already been insulted enough, I got one key which unlocked a door leading to a room with nothing but a treasure chest in it.  In the treasure chest was another key.  Did I get a Wiiware title or a bullshit point-and-click Flash game?

Even the act of saving the game is horrendous.  Save points are little circles on the floor that look like teleporters from a Looney Tunes cartoon.  You step on them, the game saves.  It's simple, but that's the problem.  It's actually too simple.  There are no multiple save slots, so you're running only one game at a time.  And if you accidentally hit a save point when you didn't want to, which is incredibly easy to do as they're sometimes in the middle of a narrow hallway, well...

What he said.

Maybe I should clarify a bit: things do technically change in this game.  The levels do technically look different and the enemies aren't technically all the same... technically.  However, they're all so dull, monotonous, and ultimately similar to each other that their appearance is virtually the only difference between all of them.  The second level has brick walls and the same pictures of ponies (what?) showing up, but that's just about the only thing separating it from the first level.  The dwarves look like dwarves and sometimes have different weapons, but they still attack in similar patterns to all the skeletons from earlier.  BotA is simply blandness piled on top of blandness.

But that's not what ultimately drove me over the edge.  No.  Take a look at this quote from Interplay's website about this game from some time ago:

"The new Stonekeep is expected for initial release during the third quarter of 2010 and is planned for electronic distribution through Nintendo's WiiWare™ service"
-Interplay.com news release

This game was delayed for over a year.

Over a year!




And not one person in that time said, "Guys?  How about
we fix the, um... everything?"

What in the hell did we--"we" meaning Wii users, Stonekeep fans, Interplay fans, dungeon crawler fans, humanity in general--do to deserve this?  This is the kind of game I wouldn't wish upon those guys in high school that tried (and failed) to stuff me in a garbage can.

And I'm aware that because it's 500 Wii points I could technically do a Five Dollar Gaming on it, but fuck that.  This is the kind of game that needs to be quarantined.

Close enough.