Wednesday, September 29, 2010

SC Says Things to Intentionally Piss Off Gamers

This is the closest thing you'll see to me raging about games.  That or this could just be trolling.  Whatever.  Without further adoo...

1. Regenerating health in a first-person shooter is fucking stupid.

That's not to say regenerating health can't work in a game.  I hate Halo, but its regenerating health makes sense because it's a regenerating SHIELD, not health.  Games where you're playing someone not human, superhuman, or even a regular human wearing some sort of gear or a suit that protects and heals the body all make sense to have regenerating health.  Even then, some games have regenerating health, but it regenerates slowly so the player still has to think out their next move or (I've seen people do this) wait up to five minutes for their health to completely regenerate.

Games like Modern Warfare 2?  No.

Games like the first Red Steel?  No.

Yes, I did just compare Modern Warfare 2 to Red Steel.  Deal with it.

The worst part of this is that I know people who can't play an FPS that DOESN'T have regenerating health.  These are the same people who bitch and moan about finding and/or using health packs.  Newsflash: if you can wait behind a wall for ten seconds to get health back, you can take ten seconds to walk back or open a menu and grab/use a health pack.  If you were getting shot so much that you used all of them, that's not the game's problem.  When did gamers become such giant, idiotic pussies?

Can Duke Nukem just cock punch these morons already?

It's bad enough that the FPS genre is watered down as hell; the game industry has released on average more than one new FPS game per month for the past six years.  Having to deal with these people is just the icing on the painfully-annoying cake.

 2. Xenosaga is a sleeping pill shaped like a game.

I actually like a fair amount of RPGs, but this has to be said.  RPGs are boring.  If you're not the one playing the RPG, it becomes ten times as boring.  Every time I go on YouTube and see "Let's Play Final Fantasy <insert number here> Part <insert number above 200 here>" listed I bookmark it in my Having Trouble Sleeping folder.  This tends to backfire as most of the people doing these videos are mind-numbingly annoying jackholes doing the LP for their own satisfaction while raping their mics with their pseudo-human voices.

Xenosaga takes that self-masturbatory attitude and converts it into ass-backwards objectives that serve no real purpose and cutscenes that manage to both suck in quality and make every character look and sound like mindless, soulless, emotionless husks saying words simply for the sake of saying words.  I've had many a sleepless night since first playing the game, but never to the point where I would play it again or look up footage of it.  After all, when I go to sleep I want to wake up less than 24 hours later.

KOS-MOS, the half-naked robot girl, is what most people remember from Xenosaga.  
Gee, I wonder why?

 3. Gamers hate originality.

I think my thoughts on this can be summed up by Tommy Lee Jones in this scene from Men In Black.  See if you can figure out which part I'm talking about:

For those playing the home game, the quote is "A person is smart.  People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."  By the same token, a gamer likes creative new titles.  Gamers, however, are weak-willed sheep afraid to operate outside their comfort zone and dismiss anything new a game does because it isn't like what they've already seen.  For example, think of how many of the biggest and most popular releases in the past year have been for games that are sequels or spin-offs to an already-popularized series.

It's not to say original titles DON'T get recognized or promoted, but they certainly tend to fall by the wayside for a more noticed "brand" of game.  It's partially because gamers don't take the initiative and partially because of the companies making the games.  A sequel is, for the most part, a safe title to produce.  The question then becomes, who is more to blame: the companies for not promoting or making original material, or the gaming masses for consuming the same old shit?

Think about it, because the companies sure as hell don't want you to.

See what I did there?