Why did I watch this? Oh right, because of a series of unusual circumstances which are as follows:
-It was the Sunday of Wrestlemania.
-A local Blockbuster was closing and as such had slashed prices on everything including the furniture.
-This was free. I shit you not. And there were still at least 20 copies of it on the shelf. They couldn't give this shit away!
-I'm indifferent to John Cena, but hate his "Thuganomics" bullshit and his "rapping".
-I had an hour-and-a-half to kill.
No, John is hiding just outside the room they're in. Nevermind how he got there, it's John Cena holding an automatic rifle and wearing camo facepaint which may or may not be the wrong color for his environment. He reports in as "Ghost 2" and is told not to engage, but goes against the order and barges in, shooting wildly and somehow not hitting the marines. At the same time either the al-Qaeda members manage to miss him entirely from twelve feet away or Cena is no-selling being shot dozens of times. Either is possible.
Cena is working out with other marines when he's called out by his superior. It's here we learn his full name is John Triton but fuck it, we know he's just playing John Cena sans jean shorts. Hell, he's even playing a character named John. Just give up the ghost and have him enter every scene wearing a heavyweight championship spinner belt and ugly merch.
A police car, and I mean ONE police car, ONE, responds to an armed robbery in which a man was murdered. I'm not even a third of the way through this movie and... you know what, I need Jim Cornette for this.
End Part 1, because there's just so much shit that this is going to take a long time to cover.