Friday, April 15, 2011

SC On The Marine (Part 3)

Continued from blah blah blah.

Cena drives in the general direction of where his truck went while reporting the situation via the police/patrol radio.  If there was any response saying how many years in jail he'll serve for stealing a cop car it got cut off by the scene change.

Back at the truck fake hostage finds the wife's ID badge and jokes about how she married a marine for benefits.  Wow, what a necessary scene!

As this happens Cena comes into view behind them.  Morgan loads an uzi and says "I hate cops... and rock candy."

First off, you shot all the cops in that same damn car.  Second, shut up about your goddamn rock candy.  It wasn't funny then, it's not funny now, and I don't give a five-knuckle shuffling shit about why you don't like it.

IIIIIII want a good mooooovie! *dun, dun, dun, dun dun*

John closes in on them as three of the people in the truck open fire on him.  Cena limply raises the bullet-proof vest in front of him with one hand and this blocks all the bullets!  Nice job giving a big ole FU to physics and common sense, John!

They cut through a construction site where there are a few shots of workers diving out of the way of Cena's car.  Wait, so did they dive away from Patrick's truck, then get back into position and dive away from Cena?  Either way the hood of the police car flies off in yet another display of crappy CG.

Cena passes under a low crane which knocks the roof of his car off.  Of course, he no-sells this as well and continues giving chase.  Other white guy sees this and says "This guy's like the Terminator" to Patrick, who gives him a look in the rear-view mirror.

Patrick then stabs him through the head with his finger.

I wish.

We get it.  Robert Patrick played the T-1000.  Why must you consistently remind me that he went from that to playing second fiddle to John Cena?

Now that I think about it, the roof of the car being knocked off?  Knocking out the windshield of the car?  That's all shit the T-1000 did in Terminator 2!  It's like someone tried forcing parts of T2 into this movie and they wanted to make it as obvious as possible.

John's wife, who has been unrestrained the entire time, lunges forward and covers Patrick's eyes as he tries to drive.  Why does she try that now that they're out of the construction area when this might have caused him to hit something and slow down instead of just swerve around a wide open road?  Well, we've already seen she's not the brightest penny in the fountain.


  Patrick crashes through a gate and nearly drives off the edge of a cliff, but throws the truck in reverse and opens fire on Cena as he arrives.  John's car launches off of the truck and over the edge of the cliff.  IN SLOW MOTION!  How in the unholy hell did the "police" car which appears to have been lowered to ground level launch off of a truck?!

Oh, but it gets better.  As the car is soaring over the edge, John jumps out of the car while it's upside-down and lands... somewhere.. in slow motion.  That's twice now that basic physics has been raped by this movie.

After somehow not noticing a 250 lb. man launching himself out of the car, Patrick insists on keeping the wife alive as a hostage despite her almost getting them all killed.  This time, though, he says to restrain her.  And by restrain her, he means just lightly tie her hands together at the wrists so she can easily break loose later on.  If you think this is a spoiler, you're dumber than this movie's target audience.

I give up.  Here are some zebras.

 Patrick says they'll follow the swamp to avoid the cops and stay in the tree line to avoid being spotted from the air.  Fake hostage says something, wife says something, then fake hostage knocks her out and tells Morgan to carry her.  Morgan does his usual forced black guy humor and dear God someone make this stop!

Back at the gas station Detective Obvious appears and gets caught up on the situation.  A radio says shots were fired south of them and the detective goes to investigate.  Alone.  I'll never understand police protocol, especially dumb movie police protocol.

The detective jump cuts his way to where Cena's car launched off the cliff and almost shoots John as he walks out of the woods.  The detective just assumes he's John Triton and says that he can't authorize him to search for his wife.  Okay, why would you say that to someone you have no authority over?

As it turns out it doesn't matter because the detective let's him go after one forgettable sentence of dialogue from Cena, adding that John should be careful because he's "seen what they can do."  What, you mean only be able to kill people who stand perfectly still at point-blank range and fail miserably at comedic relief?  I think he'll be fine.

Ah, much better.

 We catch up with Patrick and friends walking through an open marsh devoid of tree cover where anyone could see them.

Posting this has become a reflex by now.

 The wife eventually regains consciousness and squirms out of Morgan's grasp before knocking both him and fake hostage to the ground.  She is eventually restrained, but it really shows how inept this group is when a waify blonde with her hands tied together can subdue two of them.

Morgan throws a shit fit about being on the run from the cops and how it was their fault for getting everyone in this situation, to which white guy who hasn't spoken in awhile immediately points out it was Morgan who shot both cops at the gas station.  Morgan then says they always blame the black guy for everything.

Excuse me for a moment...
Nope, nothing I can add to this.

This character is so badly and stereotypically written that it makes me wonder if the writer (Michelle Gallagher, who has no writing credits since this movie) was born and raised in shitty early 2000's action films that beat black humor (pun not intended) to death worse than a Family Guy joke.  Even by dumb action movie standards this is buttfuck retarded writing.

Morgan proceeds to pull a gun on white guy with few lines and Patrick pulls a gun on Morgan, trying to talk him down.  Patrick then shoots white guy with few lines and kills him.  Why?  Because he felt like it.  He doesn't say that, but that's basically the reason for it.  I'll hold off on posting the Fuck This Company picture again... for now.

Oh, and the white guy with few lines dies IN SLOW MOTION, complete with a close up of his hunting knife embedding itself in the dirt.  Gee, I wonder if this will become significant later on?

Save me, cat with better screen presence than John Cena!

So to recap, the group is avoiding the cops by walking through an open swamp on the driest land possible and they just fired an unsilenced gun which could be heard from, at the very least, hundreds of yards away.  Makes you wonder how they ever managed to knock off a jewelry store in the first place.

Oh right, bad writing.

A bunch of alligators crawl out of the swamp and eat white guy with few lines' body as Morgan and other white guy make some attempt at a joke about crocodiles and alligators.  Yeah, I'm sure they won't leave any trace of him behind aside from the inedible bits of his carcass, clothes, and random shit he was carrying on him.  Are you guys trying to get caught?

Cut back to Detective Obvious not informing the rest of the police about a wild John Cena going after the gang.  Gee, I wonder why he would ever do such a thing?

I need a break.