Wednesday, April 13, 2011

SC On the Marine (Part 2)

Continued from the previous post...

So John and the comedic relief go up to the business woman's office.  Cena grabs the guy and forces him into an elevator and out to the lobby where the guy's bodyguards get in Cena and the shorter, rounder one's face.  Eventually one of them takes a swing at Cena and misses.  Dude, what the hell kind of relationship were you in that you'd openly start a fist fight with the company's ( apparently only two) security guards?

The round one splits them apart and says that sometimes Cena has to let it go, despite the bodyguard taking the first swing.  Someone says something else mind-numbingly stupid and the comedic relief says "this is not one of those times" or something like that before a fight breaks out.  Unsurprisingly, the comedic relief doesn't do much more than swing and miss in the second-and-a-half that he's in the shot.

Oh, if only...

Cena no-sells everything that gets thrown at him and eventually confronts the psycho ex-boyfriend, who he body slams/throws through the front window.  What part of training to be a marine involved learning how to body slam people through breakable environments?

Not surprisingly Cena gets fired, but the comedic relief only gets suspended.  This might imply there are other security guards at Nondescript Business Inc., but since an all-out fist fight in the middle of the lobby didn't bring them out I'm assuming they'll get the janitors to run it or some shit.

Cut to Cena and comedic relief at a restaurant having another bland heart-to-heart.  Being a marine meant everything to me, step back and see what you have, very basic stuff.  The laziness of the writing in these parts is simply beyond words, as in it's beyond me how anyone could read these words and think it would be a good movie script.

Now we see Robert Patrick with the fake hostage in his high-rise apartment... or at least that's what I assume it is.  You might also note that I'm not using the actual names of these characters, and that's because not only are the characters largely forgettable, but most of them have their names said only a couple times throughout the movie.  As such, I'm going to resort to the most recognizable traits about them to name them, much like with comedic relief.

My thoughts on this movie exactly.

After dodging another sex scene between Patrick and fake hostage, Patrick gets a phone call.  It's from some guy who's buying the diamonds who says that Patrick is getting too out of control.  Gee, I wonder what part of killing a clerk (who was somehow working with him) and a police officer to steal valuable diamonds in front of several dozen witnesses would count as "out of control."  In fact, fake hostage says the same damn thing at the beginning of the scene, but Patrick completely ignores her.

No worries, fake hostage.  Apparently the police never think to check Patrick's high-rise abode which he couldn't possibly have gotten into without driving through the rest of the city and passing several more people on the way in.  I don't think it's so much that Patrick's character is a criminal genius that everyone else in the city is so goddamn stupid he looks like a genius by comparison.

Sure, why not?

Cut back to Cena being driven home by comedic relief (how did he get to work?) where he asks the guy to  "not tell anyone what happened at work today."  YOU BEAT UP TWO BODYGUARDS AND THREW A GUY THROUGH A WINDOW!  IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THE NEWS SURE AS HELL WILL!

Sure enough after fist-bumping comedic relief and going back into his house, the news immediately plays the clip of him throwing psycho ex through the window.  Amazingly enough they mention that, but not the armed robbery in which a clerk and a cop were killed.  I'll never understand the criteria for what makes the news and what doesn't.

His wife also sees the report and they have another one of those "being a marine" conversations.  Good God, how many times are we going to hear this?  The wife eventually says he doesn't necessarily need to work, but that he can just get out of the house and "do something crazy."

... What do you think he just did?


Meanwhile black guy with the bazooka (whose name is apparently Morgan) gets searched on the way into a chop shop... or at least that's what I think it is.  He's searched by Lincoln Kennedy, a former Raiders offensive tackle who plays himself in this movie and doesn't appear beyond this scene.  I know this because Morgan says all of it to pad out the script.  His brief cameo reminds me that I could be playing Madden right now instead of watching this movie.  I'm not a big Madden fan, but that's still far more entertaining than this.

Morgan talks with sort-of white guy from the robbery.  Sort-of white guy offers him rock candy but Morgan turns it down, to which sort-of white guy says "you don't like it because... that one time..." followed by an awkward silence and out-of-place music.

I should note that this is the point where the movie seems to forget it's an action flick and attempts to be some sort of pseudo Rush Hour attempt at comedy.  Guys, pick a direction for your movie and go with it.  Don't cram any bullshit you can think up into the screenplay like this.

You expect me to explain this?

 They go on to talk about how the next crime job will go, specifically what the getaway vehicle will be.  To Morgan's dismay, it's a minivan.  Why does this upset him so?  Because "black guys don't drive minivans."  Morgan, you weren't the driver last time.  We've never seen you drive in this movie.  Why should we assume you're the driver this time, especially for a vehicle type you apparently never drive because of racially-based opinions?

Sort-of white guy says he can have spinners put on it if he wants, to which Morgan says "Fuck you."  Hey!  Watch the language, Morgan!  Most of the people watching this are John Cena fans and therefore not over the age of 13 and/or have no Y chromosome.  Ease off the F-bombs!

"Mr. Cena, what does 'FU' stand for?"

 Sort-of white guy leaves Morgan to think over his dilemma.  Morgan looks around the shop and sees a Lincoln sitting to the side of the shop, completely unattended.  He proceeds to take it out for a drive, complete with a look to the camera and a raise of the eyebrows.

Stay the hell away from the fourth wall, movie.  Contain your crappiness to your own little world.

Meanwhile, after somehow not being slapped with a lawsuit for assaulting the ex-boyfriend (despite his threats to do so), Cena drives through a scenic helicopter shot with his wife as they head for Mt. Cedar.  There's even more smalltalk in this scene, but at least none of it has to do with being a marine.

They stop for gas at a station in the middle of nowhere.  John goes to pay for gas inside while his wife waits in the truck and, as he walks inside, he passes Robert Patrick!  And the rest of his crew are there too!  Okay, why the hell are they there?  On top of this being the mother of all coincidences, why are the bad guys driving the Lincoln and not the minivan as was the plan earlier?  Morgan isn't even driving for this trip so who cares what he thinks about the car?!

 I sympathize with Mike Myers.

A police car pulls up to the pump behind Patrick's, only it's clearly not a police car.  It looks like someone painted a Dodge Viper black and white and glued a siren on top of it.  Oh, and the people in the car look like highway patrol officers instead of police officers.  What zero-continuity parallel universe's ass did this get pulled out of?

One officer gets out of the car and pumps gas, glancing over at a clearly-nervous Patrick.  He eventually walks over to Patrick and strikes up conversation, but never actually does anything that would indicate he knows who Patrick is.  And how would he?  It's not like the guy robbed a jewelry store and killed a clerk and a cop in broad daylight with countless witnesses.

So Morgan walks up behind the cop and shoots him.  Keep digging that hole deeper, guys.

Back with another one of those block-rockin' beats!

The other officer throws the car in reverse and shoots at Patrick and company through the windshield while screaming as he gets shot several times.  This scene is such a clusterfuck that it just comes off as goofy, especially when badly CG'ed bullets fly out of Patrick's gun from an unusual top-down view which contributes nothing to the scene.  How much money did WWE Films put into this?

Fake hostage hears/sees what's going on outside and shoots the gas station clerk (uh, why?) while other white guy knocks out John Cena with a fire extinguisher.  Okay, why didn't they shoot him?  In fact, why did they shoot the clerk?  They had no problem with leaving innumerable witnesses when they robbed a store and murdered a store clerk and a police officer in broad daylight in a major city, but out in the middle of nowhere they're suddenly concerned about witnesses?  And why wouldn't they shoot Cena?  Other white guy couldn't possibly have thought a fire extinguisher to the head would kill a man, unless he thinks human skulls are made out of M&M candy shells.

Dammit, now I'm hungry on top of being annoyed.

Amazingly enough Cena actually sells the headshot as Patrick says to take John's truck because their car could attract attention (even though the cops never reported its description or plate number).  They find John's wife, who is summarily executed.

Just kidding!  They take her hostage.  Why did they kill the clerk again?

John is semi-conscious on the gas station floor as he watches his wife get kidnapped.  Morgan looks back and shoots a puddle of gas on the ground, causing it to ignite (just go with it) and the station pumps to explode, which launches Cena into the far wall as he's trying to stand up.  Cena then gets up abnormally fast and goes outside.  Wait, so he sells a fire extinguisher to the head but not a massive explosion that slams him into a wall and destroys a fair chunk of the station?

Screw this, I could be eating Hogantoni pasta right now.

 Cena runs out of the station and sees the cop car stopped against a small pile of tires.  He runs toward it- sorry, he runs toward it in slow motion, as the station blows up again.

I had to stop watching for about half an hour at this point.

I think they were trying to suggest that one of the cars left at the station exploded, but the explosion is so massive that that would make about as much sense as the station exploding twice.  Either way Cena looks like he's trying not to shit his pants as he runs for the cop car.
When he gets there he drags the cop out of the driver's seat and reveals that the cop was wearing a bullet-proof vest which blocked several of the bullets.  How did they hit his chest when he was sitting in the car so that the only part of him that could be seen was his head and shoulders?  Do you honestly expect me to care at this point?

He tells the cop to keep pressure on his wound (which I couldn't see after rewinding twice).  He takes the cop's extra bullets and a spare vest before using a nightstick to smash out the unusually fragile windshield before giving chase to Patrick and friends.

Dear God, how long have I been talking about this one section of the movie?  Whatever, at least there's finally some action in this action movie.

End of Part 2.  Holy shit, this is going to take a while...