Monday, April 18, 2011

SC On The Marine (Part 5)

Continued from that part with the 4 at the end of it.

The electricity in the cabin shuts off and the wife, who has been slowly undoing her bonds this entire time with no one noticing, sprints out the door.  As fake hostage chases her down and fights her, John Cena quite literally barrel rolls through another door only to have Patrick point a gun at him.  Here I thought John would have gone after his wife instead of Patrick since that was the whole reason he was chasing them, but what do I know?

Tee hee.

The detective enters and, in a move no one could have possibly ever seen coming by his not cooperating with the other cops at all, he points his gun at Cena too because he was the original buyer for the diamonds!

 This shock doesn't last long as John manages to rush the detective and use him as a human shield against Patrick, who is more than happy to shoot him several times.  The detective may be a bit older, but I highly doubt his reflexes are so slow that he couldn't have just shot John as he was rushing him.

Meanwhile the wife beats up fake hostage (again) only to have her pull a gun.  Why didn't she do that sooner?  Patrick forces Cena to take cover behind a bar before running outside and shooting a gas tank under the house.  His Cena-sense tingling, John leaps over the bar and swan dives out the window.


 Oh look, an actual shot of the movie!

The wife, thinking her husband is dead yet again, screams like a banshee until she is knocked out (again) and loaded into the trunk of Detective Obvious' car, which Patrick and fake hostage drive off in.  Cena manages to swim to shore as a one-man police miniboat tells him to get on the shore with his hands on his head.  John explains who he is as the cop starts to arrest him, but the cop doesn't give a shit.  Cena does an armbar takedown on the cop and handcuffs him before stealing his gun and his boat to pursue Patrick.

First, nice job not reporting that you found a wild John Cena, bad cop.  Second, even nicer job knowing exactly who you're looking for but trying to arrest the wrong person anyway.  Third, John, are you just hoping that the police won't mind you assaulting an officer and stealing a patrol boat?  That's hopelessly optimistic even for you.

Is Wendy's still open?  No?  Damnit.

Patrick and fake hostage realize that driving in what's technically a police vehicle might attract attention.  Fake hostage also takes the diamonds and puts them in her jacket.  I only mention this for the incredibly convenient death later on.

So they pull over and have fake hostage pretend to be a hitchhiker.  When a semi truck pulls over to see what's going on she shoots the driver and they take off.

Cut back to Cena three seconds later hearing a report on the police radio about the trucker being shot and his truck being stolen, as well as where it's going.  Christ, how lazy can a screenplay get?!

Patrick and fake hostage drive to a set location to get their clean getaway car, which just so happens to be at a fucking marina, so of course Cena pulls up to it right as they arrive that night.  The wife, now conscious and with one hand cuffed to the back of the truck's cabin, is somehow able to see John from a few hundred feet away and grabs Patrick as he drives into the marina.  How many times has she done this now?

As Patrick swerves around Cena gets to land, sprints to the semi and jumps onto the back of where the trailer would be hitched.  Patrick and fake hostage notice something hitting the back of the semi, but don't bother to check what it is.  Cena climbs along the side, throws open the passenger door, then tosses fake hostage through the windshield of an oncoming bus, killing her.  How convenient!

Now THAT would be awesome!

The best part about this scene is that, unlike the past deaths which were either dumb or underwhelming, this one, like the one cop at the gas station, is hilarious.  Fake hostage doesn't so much scream as whimper while she sails out the truck door IN SLOW MOTION and has an incredibly stoic look on her face, as though she's trying to do advanced calculus in her head.  It's a John Cena movie, though, so maybe she was just doing basic addition or subtraction.

Cena is then completely unable to open the door he just opened.

Long and hard.

 After an extended scene where Patrick drives around trying to knock Cena off the truck, John falls off moments before Patrick drives through several exploding barrels and tanks despite having ample time to go around them.  He then jumps out of the semi with Cena's wife still handcuffed inside, the truck slamming into more exploding barrels before launching itself through a window and into a lake.  In slow mo- do I even need to add it at this point?

Cena chases after the truck only to get Tanya Harding'd by Patrick, now weilding a pipe.  Cena goes on a no-selling rampage, shrugging off two pipe shots two pipe shots, a metal winch to the face, and pieces of flaming wood crashing down on the back of his neck during the first part of the fight.  He crawls toward the river as he is repeatedly punched by Patrick, then hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer.

Hey, that's HHH's bit!

Patrick then gets a chainsaw and Cena, fearing his no-selling powers might not be enough, blocks it with a wrench he borrowed from System Shock 2.  He knocks Patrick back into some flaming wreckage as some barrels fall on it and...

A) Patrick eats a sandwich.
B) Cena pins the burning wreckage to win the Intercontinental title.
C) Cena runs and dives into the water as the barrels explode, in slow motion.

If you said C, you probably could have written a better movie than this one.

You can do it, John!  Just pretend he's Wade Barrett!

Cena manages to dive to the semi and finds his wife unconscious and not breathing.  Since he doesn't have the key to the handcuffs, John simply rips the bar she's cuffed to off the truck.  If John were actually as strong and invulnerable as he looked is this movie he would have as many titles as the Ultimo Dragon by now.

He drags her up to the burning warehouse (which was clearly the safest place to take her) and performs some obviously fake CPR.  John, you're supposed to do the chest compressions to the heart, not to the stomach.  To be fair John actually expresses part of an emotion in this scene as it goes on awhile with his wife still not breathing.  It would be more dramatic and moving if it turned out she drowned and he has to deal with it for the rest of his-

Oh wait, she's breathing again.  Nevermind!

What, you thought they'd actually TRY in this movie?

As she regains consciousness Patrick comes out of the flames and wraps a chain around John's neck.  Patrick's face is supposed to look burned, but whether it's the lighting or the makeup itself he looks more like Darth Maul.

What follows is the most "Bullshit!" moment of the movie, and that's saying something.

-Cena flips Patrick into the air.
-He twists the chain so it wraps around Patrick's neck.
-He yanks the chain so that Patrick slams into the ground.
-Patrick dies.

Not only is this over-the-top ridiculous and out-of-place for the film (you're a wrestler, not Jackie Chan) but the fight scene lasts all of ten seconds.  Why even bother shooting this?

Cena goes back to his wife and says "We should have gone to the beach" as the cops pull up and the movie abruptly ends.  Thank God.

This was an utter mess of a movie.  It's like they could never decide whether to do straight action or an action-comedy and they kept switching between the two.  As a result the characters are all over the damn place and the entire cast comes off as unlikeable, paper-thin stereotypes of the characters they're trying to portray.

If this is the reason John Cena keeps doing that goofy salute before and after matches, he really needs to stop embarrassing himself.

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