Sunday, April 17, 2011

SC On The Marine (Part 4)

Continued from part 3, now with more John Cena!

Where was I?  Oh right, a sequence of shots showing the police searching the swamp (alliteration is my form of 'Fuck you, movie!') is followed by John Cena immediately finding dead white guy's knife in the ground and his blood stain against a tree.  Well that didn't take long, did it?

What is the amount of suspense in this movie?

Cut back to the bad guys as Patrick gets another phone call from the guy buying the diamonds.  Patrick says plans have changed and  he's cutting the guy out of the deal and will sell the diamonds elsewhere.  Just when I think Patrick & company can't get any more stupid...

We then see Cena finding footprints of Patrick's group.  For the love of- WHY?!  Why did they go through the swamp to avoid the cops if they were just going to walk in areas where they'd leave clear footprints behind?!  And how come Cena, Warrior Princess was able to find them but the cops are completely clueless?!

Must... resist... Fuck This Company picture... Oh, and Cena's smirking as this happens.  SMIRKING.

Meanwhile Morgan is again doing his black people humor.  And again, it's not funny.  Patrick takes the wife aside for a moment and says they could have had a future if not for fake hostage, whom he indicates by nodding in her general direction.  Wife of Cena is confused and Patrick's head-nodding becomes more seizure-like as comedic music starts to play.

What the fuck, movie?

Here's something funnier than this movie could ever dream of being.

 Stop trying to be funny!  You're not good at it!

More shots of the cops follow, with none of them being able to find a damn thing while Cena continues tracking where they went on the ground.  I know he's a marine, but that doesn't make him the goddamn Mantracker.

I could be watching this, but noooo...

 Insert random shot of two inbred-looking guys staring up as a police helicopter passes by.  I guess they're criminals, too?  What purpose do these guys serve other than to pad out the running time and most likely shoehorn an action scene in later on?

Cena eventually runs into a clearing and gets caught in a massive net.  He cuts himself loose with his new knife and, upon landing, immediately gets a shotgun pointed at his head from a foot away by inbred white guy who says "Hold it right there, cop."


Let's make a list of reasons why this is stupid.

#1. If you're trying to avoid the cops, why would you be setting up traps that would tell them someone's in the area?
#2. If you're NOT trying to avoid the cops, why?!  They have an entire department of men with a wide range of weapons at their disposal, you have a net and a shotgun.
#3. Cena isn't dressed at all like a cop!  Unless police recently switched their uniforms to Hanes undershirts and flanal pullovers and traded in their guns, nightsticks and handcuffs for a hunting knife, he's clearly not a cop!

Why do I try to make sense of this anymore?

 John almost immediately disarms the guy only to get hit in the back of the head with a 2x4 and knocked out by the fat black guy.  I don't know what's more surprising: that a fat black man was able to sneak up on John in an area covered with leaves, or that Cena actually sold the hit.

One more pointless scene with Patrick and friends later, Cena wakes up in a shack tied to a chair.  The Super Inbred Bros, are on the opposite end of the shack loading bags of cocaine into boxes.

... Why would they take someone who they think is a cop to their base of operations so he can see exactly what they're doing?

They start to interrogate Cena and punch him in the face every time he says he's not a cop.  Three no-sells later Cena says he is a cop and his buddies are tracking his GPS to their hideout.  This causes the inbreds to flip out and the black guy gets in Cena's face, yelling at him to say where the GPS is.  Cena headbutts the guy twice before flipping (well, spinning in mid-air is more like it) onto his back and shattering the chair.

Let's just pretend that would actually work.

He spin kicks the black guy out of the film and, with his hands still tied, performs a flying, and I do mean flying, shoulder bump on the white inbred guy.  The fight ends quickly with Cena spearing him through a wood support beam.  John then runs out of the shack with the hunting knife that the writers forgot he had before.

Do you remember the knife?

 We now return to Patrick, Morgan and associates near a riverside cabin that the police are starting to leave.  Why are the police leaving the cabin?  Well obviously if Patrick and friends aren't there at the exact same time as them, then they won't ever hide there.  Ever!

Morgan checks the door for any alarms or traps before going in, which is actually a smart move, but other white guy simply barges in to find nothing.  As this goes on John watches from the trees.  Wow, is the smartest person in this movie honestly John-fucking-Cena?

Why not?

Despite the cops just being there for who knows how long, the power is off.  Patrick tells Morgan to find the generator, but before he does Morgan tells the story of how he was at summer camp and one of the counselors gave him rock candy and raped him, making references to Friday the 13th and Deliverance in the process.  And I don't mean just in the guy-rape sort of reference, I mean a portion of Dueling Banjos plays as he explains this.

That was the payoff for the running rock candy gag, folks.  A black kid being raped.  Neat, huh?

Morgan finally goes outside and checks under the cabin, finding the generator and switching it on.  Not long after Cena bursts through a fake wall and proceeds to no-sell a bucket to the face, a glass bottle over the head, several punches, and a shovel to the stomach and face before stabbing and killing him with the hunting knife.

Oh hey, the black guy didn't die first.  Thankfully he's dead so he can't attempt to make a joke about it.

Everybody dance!

 Nobody in the old cabin hears the fight scene going on ten feet below them, even as Patrick steps outside to call the guys from the chop shop earlier in the film and talk about Plan B, which is something he's "making up as he goes."

Somehow I think that's how this movie was written, too.

Patrick goes back inside and says they'll keep 100% of the diamond profits by selling to a buyer in Phoenix.

Wait, you're in South Carolina.  How the hell are you going to get to Phoenix?
Whatever.  Other white guy gets sent outside to prepare a boat (even though the police have been shown in boats patrolling the river) and check on Morgan.  Oh hey, they finally noticed!

Other white guy gets jumped by Cena and, after a brief fist fight, Cena chokeslams him through a set of wood palettes and then knee drops him.  And this somehow kills him!  You can't do that, it's not part of your WWE All Stars move list!


I can't remember if he did this in slow motion, but I'm pretty sure he did.

While hiding his body along with Morgan's, Detective Obvious meets up with Cena under the cabin.  Okay, let me guess: Detective says not to do something, Cena says something, detective lets him go do something.

Oh hey, I was right!

To be continued.  At least there's more action from this point on...